Bald

I'll tell you what. If I ever get bald headed, I'm gonna polish the top of my head with Turtle Wax car polish. For that durable and lasting shine. Plus, it makes rain bead up and run off the surface pretty good, and that's pretty important to bald headed people.........you don't even have to carry an umbrella on a rainy day.

Star Trek

"Dammit Jim! You can't expect me to perform medicine in these primitive conditions. Now get this man aboard the Enterprise so I can save his life!"

-Dr. McCoy-

I will have to admit, Dr. McCoy was the greatest actor EVER TO HAVE LIVED. So take a lesson, you actor wannabees; Dr. McCoy.......actor extrodinaire. He even got to say 'dammit' on TV back in the 60's. (That's 'cause the censors knew he was so cool, no one would be offended.)

To The One I Love

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

Okay, #1. You never forget to separate the whites from the colors when doing the laundry.

#2. You make really good spaghetti.

#3. There's that thing you do with your toungue, you know?


I guess that's about it.

The Book Of Biff

And it came to pass in those days, that Biff returned to his abode after his toil in the fields. And he desired to partake of dinner and slumber immediately thereafter. And so after dinner was consumed, Biff and Mrs. Biff retired unto their bed and began to slumber.

But lo! Biff awoke after a short interval, with pressure upon his insides needing release. And so Biff released a silent, but malevolent wind beneath the covers, and it carried with it an evil odor. Then Biff slowly and stealthily pulled the covers up over Mrs. Biffs head as she slept, so that she could share in celebrating the release of the wind from bondage.

Mrs. Biff awoke almost immediately and was exceeding wrathful, and wished to smite Biff heavily and severely, forever leaving a mark upon his flesh.

-Translator's note-
*Herein ends the Book of Biff. Nothing is known of what happened to him after these events, as the transcript ends rather abruptly.*

Illiterate

Dammit! I've had enough! If one more person tries to tell me that I'm illiterate, I'm gonna punch 'em out. I wasn't illiterate when I was born, 'cause my Mom and Dad was MARRIED, dammit. So quit telling me I am illiterate.

The Homeless Guy

So there is this homeless guy that walks up and down the street in front of my house everyday, carrying on an arguement with himself, and muttering to no one in particular.

But lately, right before dark, he sneaks into my front yard and opens the bird feeder and separates all the sunflower seeds from the rest of the bird seed, and piles it up at the foot of the tree. Then he looks around to make sure no one is watching, and he picks up some pinecones and two or three small sticks and puts them in his pocket, secretively and sneakily like a shoplifter. Then he walks over to the neighbors hedges and pees on them.

So I called the police department to see what I should do about it. I said, "Well, can I just go ahead and shoot him?" They replied that I could not. So I asked, "Well, what if I shot him in the butt with one of those cheap BB guns?"

So apparently, if someone is separating bird seed, and stealing pinecones and sticks from your front yard, shooting him in the butt with one of those cheap BB guns is a perfectly acceptable legal recourse.

Self Realization

Walking down the street this morning, and passed some sort of demonstration. A bunch of pissed off women were chanting something and carrying signs, just walking around in a circle. I said, "Good Morning, Ladies." The way they all jumped at me, you'd have thought I was a criminal or something. They were screaming, "Down with the oppresor, Penis bad; vagina good" and other such stuff. Then one of them came running up real close and said, "All men are dogs! All men are dogs! You're nothing but dogs!"

So I dug in her garbage and humped her leg.

Word To Live My Life By

A sage old man, that was real famous for some stuff, once said,

"Life is like"......something. I can't remember.
"And dreams are unorthodox." No,...wait. It wasn't unorthodox. It was another word that had a lot of syllables, though. And a whole bunch of letters in it.

And then he said,

"If you fall, then get back up."
"Don't stay on the ground because you'll get germs on you", or something like that. He might not have said germs, he might have said bugs, instead. I'm not sure. No, no, I remember now. It was, "Don't eat stuff if you dropped it on the floor, 'cause it might have germs on it." Yeah, I think that's what it was.

Anyway, it was a pretty heavy duty addage. And I try to live my life by his words on a daily basis. That old man was a genius. Maybe even a super genius.

Superheros

I'll tell you what. I hope I never get into any kind of trouble and need the help of the Superfriends. But if I do, I sure hope the dispatcher over at the Superfriends' Hall Of Justice doesn't send Batman, 'cause if they do, when he gets there, I'll just throw up my hands and make a cross. You see, the symbol of the cross wards off both vampires AND Batman. And then I'll say, "Not so fast, Batman! Go back to your evil master, you satan spawn!"

I don't trust Batman one bit. Not one bit, Mister.

The Spot

I went to the grocery store last night, and I was in the fresh produce section bagging up some oranges and such to put in the basket. I glanced up and saw an Indian woman. Not a Cherokee Indian woman or anything like that, but a woman from India. You know, one of those women that have that spot on their forehead.

The first thing I noticed about her, was that she had forgotten to wear her spot. Well.......actually she was pretty hot, so I guess the absence of her spot was more like the second thing I noticed.

Well, I've heard from credible sources that if an Indian woman forgets to wear her spot when she's out in public, when she gets home, her husband beats on her pretty bad.

Well, I have always taken pride in myself for my ability to think quickly, and last night was no exception. So I pulled one of those little blue Chiquita Banana stickers off of a bunch of bananas, and ran over to her and stuck it on her forehead. You know, where they wear their real spot. Then I grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around and pushed her toward the door, telling her, "Here.... this'll have to do 'till ya' get home and get your real spot. Go! Hurry!"

Well, she got all wild eyed, threw her hands in the air and started screaming some kind of foreign stuff, and ran out the door. I reckon she was probably thanking me for noticing she forgot to wear her spot.

The Lord Of The Rings

I just saw 'The Lord of the Rings' on DVD. You know, the first thing that struck me was how cool Gandalf's hat was. It's one of those big, tall Wizard's hats with a pointy end on the top. I thought, "Man,............I gotta get me one of those."

So I went to 'Hats-r-us, Bob's World O' Hats, and Hats A' Plenty. Let me tell you, this is one dead town I live in. Not a single pointy hat anywhere.

So I stole one of those big orange road cones from the highway construction sight, and painted it white. It makes one damn fine looking hat, too. And now, I wear it all the time. I won't let anyone at resteraunts take it either. You know, like when they say, "May I take your hat and coat, sir?" I always say, "You can take my coat, but not my hat." I know darn good and well they will try to steal it, so I wear it at the dinner table,too.

And now, everywhere I go, people are REALLY staring at me. They're just jealous 'cause I got such a cool hat and they don't.

Famous Quotes From Famous People

"Wait just a minute. Are you really trying to tell me that if Billy had 5 apples, and he gave 2 apples to Sue, then he would only have 2 apples left in his possession?"

-Albert Einstein-



"Holy Bat Farts Batman!"

-Robin-


"Look at those big-ass letters you used. Man, you write like a girl."

-George Washington-(Said to John Hancock at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.)


"WhhoooeeeEEE!!! You are one hot lookin' babe. Why don't you come over here and give this ol' ex-president a 'Lewinski'?"

-Bill Clinton-


"I kicked your ass at 'Monopoly' AGAIN!"

-Alexander the Great-


"Damn, you stink. Did you shit your pants or somethin'?"

-Johnny Carson-(Said to Ed McMahon, who, coincidetally HAD shit his pants.)


"Huh Huuuuh, *snort*, huh huuuuh, *snort, snort* huh huuuh. You said 'nerd'. huh huuuuh huh, *snort* huh huuuh huh *snort* huh huh"

-Bill Gates-


"Wonder Woman gives good head"

-Superman-(spray painted on the back wall of The Hall Of Justice, between the dumpster and the emergency exit)


"I don't care when you said you would return. You're not going anywhere until you eat ALL of your vegetables."

-Gen. Douglas MacArthur's Mom-


"You farted as loud as you could on purpose. Don't EVEN try to deny it."

-my wife-